Link vs. The Common Cold: An Epic Saga
by Faux Draconia
Summary: That's right! Come one come all and see Link face off with this everyday disease! PLUS: Link's romantic fate is decided! Will it be Zelda? Malon? Etc? And it's all in one really bad 'fic written in a moment of insanity! :D


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Link vs. The Common Cold: An Epic Saga

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By Faux Draconia

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Scribbles: Okay. This is making me mad. I have had a cold for FIVE days. .x;;; And the worst part is that it's so bad I can't write anything. So how did I write this piece of jargon? :B That's the thing--- whatever this turns out to be...I don't think I'll consider it writing. More like taking out my aggression at my pesky illness. :D Now...on to the story! (What a big buncha garbage, oi. :B)

Link was having an icky day.

"I'm having a icky day," said the Green One.

"Tingle tingle koo loo...."

"LIMPAH!" Link sneezed, then rubbed his nose. _What was that?_

And quite abruptly there was a little green man standing before him who had a pot belly and red underwear outside his pants. Link recognized him as Tingle the cartographer from Termina...

Link wondered if it was too late to run.

"Not WHAT fairy man-- WHO," Tingle chortled.

"I know who you are. You're Tingle."

"Tinkle?"

"Tingle."

"I am most certainly not!"

"Well...who are you then?" the Hero of Time inquired, already feeling a headache approaching.

"I am The Common Cold!"

"..."

"I run around Hyrule and make people sick! But oh-oh-OH! Green pants...green shirt...green hat. Oooh! Perhaps you are a Cold too!" The little man danced in a circle giggling. "What are you? The Semi-Uncommon Cold?"

"I'm not anything...I'm going to go now Cold...bye..." Link started to edge away. But the man just followed him.

"Sorry, but you can't get rid of me yet."

"Why not?"

"..."

"..."

"Dot-dot-dot...too many dots," the Common Cold mumbled.

Link stared at him.

"Where was I...oh yes-- tingle tingle koo loo..."

"LIMPAH!" Link sneezed again. He made a face. "Stop that."

"Ohhhh but I cannot! It is my occupation!"

"Well...go find another one."

"No one will hire me."

"No kidding."

"HEY!" someone cried out suddenly.

"Neigh," the proud mare grazing beside Link responded. Both the Cold and the Hero looked around curiously for the source of the first of the two randomly rhymed sounds. But there was only silence.

"That was we--"

"Tingle tingle koo loo..."

"LIMPAH!--ird. ...I need a tissue."

"LOOK!"

"What? Is there one here?" Link glanced around Hyrule Field. He didn't see any tissues... "Hey Common Cold, where am I supposed to be looking?"

"...I didn't say anything."

Link looked at the shorter fellow. Then he was very surprised to see a strange whitish-blue light zipping up behind that overly cheery face and green cap...

"HE'S MINE SHORT STUFF!" a high, whiny, and incredibly annoying voice screeched. Then the Common Cold was twirled around by his cap and flung into the distance. "YEAH! TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH THE BEST! GIRL POWER! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!

"Navi...?" Link blinked.

"DON'T GO THERE GIRLFRIEND! UH-HUUUUHHHHH! TALK TO THE HAND 'CAUSE THE--- oh, hello again Link." The fairy bobbed up and down in greeting.

Link suddenly flailed his arms. "I've been looking for you for months on end now! Where have you been?!"

"Oh. Uhh...after I helped you I went to Weight Watchers and lost a few pounds, then met my new boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" Kermit-- errrrr, the Hero of Time (they're both green doncha know) paused.

"Yah. Hold on, I'll have ya meet him. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Tael?" Link raised a brow, then suddenly saw something approaching on the horizon. Then most abruptly it went from there to--- right in front of him. It was a dozen or so fairies on large black...bicycles? They looked a little big for bicycles, and they had smoke coming from the pipes on their backs. The lead fairy had a purple light surrounding him as well as a small black leather jacket. His exhaust-spewing bike had flames painted along its side.

"WAZZUP! Hey home girl..." he turned a little toward Navi and his color brightened. "We're gonna take the motorcycles and go down tuh the new bar at Kakariko Village, wanna come?"

"Sure! Anyway...this is Tael Link, bye!" Navi puttered down and sat behind Tael. "Let's go studmuffin!"

"You got it sugah," Tael quipped as he wheeled his motorcycle around. Navi slipped on a bandana and a jacket identical to her boyfriend's. It had a fiery skull and the words "Hell's Angels" in silver on the back. Link also noticed Tatl among those assembled. Were those go-go boots on her feet...?

"LET'S RIDE!" Navi howled, then the entire company zoomed off in the direction of Death Mountain, leaving Link sputtering and waving his hands to get the dust away.

He stood there.

He scratched his head.

"Tingle tingle koo loo..."

"Aw man. LIMPAH!" Link rubbed his nose yet again and turned around. The Common Cold grinned at him.

"I'm back!"

"I noticed."

"You can try to get rid of me but I'll always come back! WAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Link pulled out the Master Sword and prodded the Common Cold's belly with it. The horrid illness flailed its arms then fell over, dead. 

"THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME LINK!" Zelda hopped out of nowhere and into his arms. He tilted his head.

"I didn't know y--"

"I NEED TO GIVE YOU A KISS!" The Princess leeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaned forward.

"STOP!" Another voice cried, then a tall and elegant Zoran princess appeared, waving her fins. "Leave 'em alone! He's MY husband-to-be!"

Zelda hopped out of Link's arms. "Who says?!"

"Me! Princess Ruto! Sage of Water! Engaged to Link!" Ruto puffed up and looked important.

"Why would he be engaged to you?! You're a fish!"

"Proud of it too Miss Fancy Panties."

Meanwhile, Malon simply appeared standing next to Link. He glanced at her.

"Hey Malon."

"Hey Link."

"How are the cows? No more aliens I h-- oh wait, wrong person. Nintendo was cheap and used the exact same models for people in Termina and gave them different names, so I get confused."

Malon blinked at him, then looked to Zelda and Ruto. Zelda was attempted to detach one of Ruto's fins and Ruto was trying to rip Zelda's golden hair out. "Hey girls...I think Link likes me best." The other two looked at the rancher's daughter in complete surprise.

"I'm not really King material...not for Zoras or Hylians." Link shrugged.

Zelda and Ruto gaped, then sagged simultaneously.

Then Zelda sighed. "Oh well...hm, where's Ganondorf? Is he still locked up in the Sacred Realm?" She began to wander away.

"If he is we can just bust him out," Ruto replied and wandered away as well.

"..." Malon raised a brow. Link stared after the two princesses.

"Hey wait a minu--"

"So you're all mine now, huh Link?" Malon giggled at him, then held out her arms. But the Hero of Time did not move.

"Well actually I met the girl of my dreams a long time ago. Sorry Malon. Hey, Queenie!"

A gigantic armored arachnid galloped up to them and made a face at Malon. Then she picked up Link and galloped away again.

"We can still be friiiiiiieeeeeeeeeennnnnddddddssssss..." Link's voice echoed as he was carried off.

"..."

Malon stood there.

Some wind blew through her hair.

A tumbleweed rolled by.

Suddenly, Darunia, King Dodongo, Twinrova, Anju, Kafei, and some miscellaneous Tektites showed up.

"Hllo Malon. We R glad 2 be here," Darunia said.

Twinrova: Waz ^ every1?

RauruLover503: last night = greatest night of my life :)

KeatonBoy: i was not ther what are you talking about anju?

RauruLover503: nothing

MalonhorseGuRL: ....

The story turned into a Zelda chatroom 'fic.

Then the world ended.

FIN. :P


End file.
